Wildlife Safari, I just got back from 10 days in Kenya/Tanzania and my sleep schedule is still on “Africa time” (aka 5am wake-up calls forever). here’s the real, messy truth nobody tells you before you drop five grand.
The Daily Schedule That Will Ruin Your Beauty Sleep
5:00 am – alarm that sounds like a dying hyena 5:30 am – coffee + sad toast while it’s still dark 6:00 am – game drive (best light, animals actually moving) 10:00 am – back to camp, nap or pretend to read 3:30 pm – tea time (british colonialism never left) 4:00 pm – afternoon game drive till sunset 7:30 pm – dinner under the stars 9:30 pm – dead asleep because you’re now 87 years old
What Actually Happens on Game Drives Wildlife Safari
- 45 minutes of “look, impala… again”
- 3 minutes of pure chaos when something cool finally shows up
- your guide suddenly whispering “shhh leopard” and everyone loses their minds
- someone always has to pee at the worst moment
- you learn radio lingo (“simba on the left, copy?”)
The Animals (Real Version)
lions: 95% asleep, 5% terrifying elephants: way bigger in person. like city-bus big leopards: mythical pokemon. seeing one = instant bragging rights cheetahs: adorable until they sprint and your camera cries hyenas: uglier than the documentaries admit giraffes: constantly look confused about their life choices
Camp Life (Not Instagram)
- bucket showers (hot water is a suggestion)
- monkeys WILL steal your snacks
- no wifi = best/worst thing ever
- you become weirdly proud when you spot something before the guide
- every night you hear lions roaring and pretend you’re not scared
Rookie Moments I Had Wildlife Safari (So You Won’t)
- wore black shirt day one (tsetse flies threw a party)
- brought a white lens that looked like a rocket launcher (scared animals)
- said “why don’t we just get closer” (guide almost divorced me)
- tried to charge phone in the jeep (killed the battery, became that guy)
The Feels Wildlife Safari
day 1: “this is cool i guess” day 3: speaking in whispers even at dinner day 7: ugly crying at a baby elephant playing in mud day 10: trying to smuggle my guide home in my suitcase
it’s not a vacation. it’s a full personality rewrite.
what’s the one thing you’re most nervous about on safari?? tell me below so i can laugh/cry with you while i refresh my photos for the 400th time today.
now excuse me while i google “how to become a safari guide with zero qualifications.” send more coffee and a lion that poses
