okay but actually tho, travel itineraries around local festivals are ruining me in the best way. so like travel itineraries around local festivals were supposed to be this cute little “gap year but make it domestic” thing after i got laid off last year and now it’s December and i just realized i’ve been to 27 festivals since march and my bank account is screaming but also my soul is weirdly full?? idk man
i’m writing this from my couch in columbus, ohio wrapped in a blanket that smells faintly of kettle corn and regret, eating gas station sushi because that’s apparently who i am now
the time i accidentally became a festival cryptid
okay story time: september, i built this whole travel itinerary around local festivals in the south because someone on tiktok said the national shrimp festival in gulf shores was “life changing”
drove 14 hours straight, got there, realized i’m allergic to shrimp (forgot that part), spent the entire weekend eating plain fries and crying into a $14 margarita while everyone around me wore shrimp hats
my current hyperfixation travel itinerary around local festivals (jan-feb-march chaos edition)
- jan 18-20: spam jam in waikiki (yes i’m flying to hawaii for canned meat leave me alone)
- feb 1-3: punxsutawney groundhog day (phil better not see his shadow i swear to god)
- feb 14-17: detour to the florida man games because apparently that’s a thing now??
- march ?? whenever the hell the rattlesnake roundup is in texas because why not complete the trifecta of bad decisions
i still haven’t figured out how i’m getting from hawaii to pennsylvania without selling a kidney but details
things i’ve learned the hard way about travel itineraries around local festivals
- porta potties are never “just a little dirty” they are biohazards
- “free admission” means you will spend $400 on fried things shaped like the state you’re in
- every small town has That One Guy who wants to show you his taxidermy collection at 11pm
- motel 6 is not “quirky” it’s just sad (source: me writing this with a cockroach watching me from the ceiling in sweetwater texas last month)
Travel Itineraries wait am i okay?
sometimes i’ll be in the middle of nowhere watching a lawnmower race and realize i haven’t spoken to another human under 60 in three days and my only friends are the carnie who keeps calling me “sweet pea” and the lady selling homemade soap shaped like bigfoot
but then the sun sets and someone hands me a slice of pie they baked at 4am and suddenly i’m sobbing because people are nice?? and the world isn’t completely terrible??
idk therapy is expensive but the world chicken festival in london kentucky was only $5 parking
anyway
if you’re reading this and thinking “maybe i should make some travel itineraries around local festivals” do it. do it terribly. wear the wrong shoes. eat the questionable meat. let a bunch of strangers in overalls adopt you for the afternoon.
just maybe don’t follow my exact route because i think the fbi might be monitoring my google maps now (the route from the testicle festival to the bugfest museum was apparently “concerning”)
drop your weirdest local festival recs below i’m already planning 2025 and my dms are open if you wanna be friends with someone whose entire personality is now “girl who cried at the corn maze”
(also if anyone in montana has a couch for the testicle festival in september i cook a mean roadkill chili)
