Yellowstone National Park, look, i took a 4, 7, and 9-year-old to Yellowstone and nobody got gored, boiled, or left in the parking lot (permanently). here’s the real talk version.
When to Go (don’t be a hero)
late may – early june OR september after labor day
- fewer humans
- wildlife still photobombing everything
- lodging hasn’t tripled in price yet
- you might actually get old faithful to yourself at 6am (worth it for the silence and the existential crisis)
Where to Stay (pick your poison)
Inside the park (book 13 months ago or cry):
- canyon lodge (central, has ice cream)
- old faithful inn (iconic, creaky, kids lose their minds over the lobby)
Just outside (still alive options):
- west yellowstone (literally everything, dinosaur mini golf, bear museum, target for when you forget diapers)
- gardiner north entrance (quieter, roast marshmallows while elk wander through yard)
The Only Itinerary You Need (3–5 days, no tears)
Day 1 – arrive west yellowstone, wolf & bear discovery center (see animals without risk of becoming lunch), grocery run, collapse Day 2 – lamar valley at sunrise (bison jams, wolves if you sell your soul), hayden valley, grand canyon of the yellowstone (artist point will make your 6yo say “whoa” unironically) Day 3 – old faithful + upper geyser basin at 6am (empty!!), grand prismatic overlook trail (short, steep, worth it), fairy falls hike if your kids aren’t demons Day 4 – mammoth hot springs (looks like another planet), undine falls picnic, boiling river soak if warm enough (natural hot tub, kids lose their minds) Day 5 – norris geyser basin early, firehole lake drive (black sand basin = teal pools), head home before you buy a second home here
Stuff That Saved My Actual Life
- junior ranger booklet (free, turns kids into nerds, they get a badge and shut up for 20 mins)
- bear spray (don’t instagram it, just carry it)
- walkie talkies (because cell service is a myth)
- unlimited snacks (goldfish are legal tender)
- yeti cups so coffee stays hot for 19 seconds of peace
Things Your Kids Will Talk About Until College
- the burping mud pots (yes they fart, yes it’s hilarious)
- watching old faithful erupt while eating ice cream in pajamas
- bison walking next to the car like entitled cows
- the smell (sorry, sulfur is just part of the brand now)
Things You Will Never Forgive
- the person who said “it’s just like disney but with geothermal features” (lies)
- forgetting extra socks
- traffic jams caused by people trying to pet bison (darwin awards loading)
we came home smelling like rotten eggs with 4,000 photos and one child who now wants to be a volcanologist. 10/10 would lose my voice yelling “stay on the boardwalk” again.
which part are you dragging your tiny humans to first?? tell me below so we can compare war stories and therapy bills.
now excuse me while i google “how to un-smell like hydrogen sulfide” and cry over the credit card bill. send coffee and bail money.
