Fine dining etiquette,a hotel towel in lyon because my dress is currently in the sink soaking red wine out of the armpits (yes really) and i’m stress-eating the leftover bread basket i stole because i was too embarrassed to ask for a doggy bag like a normal person.
here’s everything i’ve learned the hard way so you don’t end up crying in a bathroom that smells like truffle and regret like me right now.
The Rules I Still Get Wrong Literally Every Time
- napkin in lap immediately i keep forgetting and then panic-flinging it into my lap like i’m putting out a fire
- bread plate left, drinks right i have a 50/50 success rate and just steal whatever’s closest when nobody’s looking
- don’t season before tasting i salted my food in front of a french chef once. he didn’t speak he just looked at my soul and left
- no phone on table mine is currently sitting in a bowl of ice water because i dropped it in the finger bowl (thought it was soup)
Country-Specific Ways I Made a Fool of Myself (2024-2025 tour)
france
- asked for “more bread please” at a 3-star. got one (1) additional slice delivered with tongs like i’m a toddler
- said “merci beaucoup” to everything including the toilet flush button
italy
- ordered cappuccino at 4pm. waiter brought me an espresso and said “this is better for you” while staring into my soul
- tried to pay with apple pay. got handed a physical card reader like i’m a caveman
japan
- didn’t slurp my ramen. got the saddest look from the chef
- stuck chopsticks upright in rice. entire restaurant went silent. i’m banned for life probably
spain
- showed up at 7:30 pm for dinner. place was empty. staff looked at me like i had three heads
- tipped 20%. waiter chased me down the street to return it because “we are not america”
My Personal Greatest Hits of Shame Fine Dining Etiquette (2025 edition)
- used the tiny spoon to eat my dessert (it was for finger rinsing)
- asked for ketchup in belgium. the silence could’ve powered a small city
- took a photo with flash. got gently asked to leave
- accidentally ordered the €680 wine pairing because i thought “oui” meant “no thank you”
The Cheat Sheet I Screenshot Every Trip (still ignore half of it)
| situation | what i did wrong | what i SHOULD do |
|---|---|---|
| 17 forks | panicked and used spoon for steak | outside in, calm down |
| cheese course | cut the tip off the brie like an animal | parallel to rind, pretend you have manners |
| bill arrives | asked to split 6 ways | just pay and venmo later like adults |
| dropped napkin | crawled under table | subtle hand signal, new one appears |
The One Thing That Actually a hotel towel in lyon because my dress is currently in the sink soaking red wine out of the armpits (yes really) and i’m stress-eating the leftover bread basket i stole because i was too embarrassed to ask for a doggy bag like a normal person.
here’s everything i’ve learned the hard way so you don’t end up crying in a bathroom that smells like truffle and regret like me right now.
The Rules I Still Get Wrong Literally Every Time
- napkin in lap immediately i keep forgetting and then panic-flinging it into my lap like i’m putting out a fire
- bread plate left, drinks right i have a 50/50 success rate and just steal whatever’s closest when nobody’s looking
- don’t season before tasting i salted my food in front of a french chef once. he didn’t speak he just looked at my soul and left
- no phone on table mine is currently sitting in a bowl of ice water because i dropped it in the finger bowl (thought it was soup)
Country-Specific Ways I Made a Fool of Myself (2024-2025 tour)
france
- asked for “more bread please” at a 3-star. got one (1) additional slice delivered with tongs like i’m a toddler
- said “merci beaucoup” to everything including the toilet flush button
italy
- ordered cappuccino at 4pm. waiter brought me an espresso and said “this is better for you” while staring into my soul
- tried to pay with apple pay. got handed a physical card reader like i’m a caveman
japan
- didn’t slurp my ramen. got the saddest look from the chef
- stuck chopsticks upright in rice. entire restaurant went silent. i’m banned for life probably
spain
- showed up at 7:30 pm for dinner. place was empty. staff looked at me like i had three heads
- tipped 20%. waiter chased me down the street to return it because “we are not america”
My Personal Greatest Hits of Shame (2025 edition)
- used the tiny spoon to eat my dessert (it was for finger rinsing)
- asked for ketchup in belgium. the silence could’ve powered a small city
- took a photo with flash. got gently asked to leave
- accidentally ordered the €680 wine pairing because i thought “oui” meant “no thank you”
The Cheat Sheet I Screenshot Every Trip (still ignore half of it)
| situation | what i did wrong | what i SHOULD do |
|---|---|---|
| 17 forks | panicked and used spoon for steak | outside in, calm down |
| cheese course | cut the tip off the brie like an animal | parallel to rind, pretend you have manners |
| bill arrives | asked to split 6 ways | just pay and venmo later like adults |
| dropped napkin | crawled under table | subtle hand signal, new one appears |
The One Thing That Actually Fine Dining Etiquette Works
when you inevitably mess up (and you will), just laugh, say “i’m so sorry i’m learning” in the local language (google translate is your friend), and tip well. every single time i’ve done this the staff turned into angels. the second i acted entitled i got treated like a toddler.
i still don’t know which glass is for water but at this point i’ve accepted i’m a lost cause.
now if you’ll excuse me i need to go practice saying “l’addition” without sounding like i’m having a stroke for the 47th time tonight.
drop your worst etiquette disaster below so i feel less alone in my shame spiral please i’m begging Works
when you inevitably mess up (and you will), just laugh, say “i’m so sorry i’m learning” in the local language (google translate is your friend), and tip well. every single time i’ve done this the staff turned into angels. the second i acted entitled i got treated like a toddler.
i still don’t know which glass is for water but at this point i’ve accepted i’m a lost cause.
now if you’ll excuse me i need to go practice saying “l’addition” without sounding like i’m having a stroke for the 47th time tonight.
drop your worst etiquette disaster below so i feel less alone in my shame spiral please i’m begging
