Plan road trip just got home from a 5200-mile southwest loop and my car still smells like fritos, sunscreen, and mild regret. here’s the chaotic guide nobody asked for but everyone needs.
step 1: choose your own suffering
- utah mighty 5 only → 10 days, totally doable grand circle (utah + grand canyon + page) → 2–3 weeks california death loop (yosemite → death valley → sequoia) → bring tissues for the trees yellowstone/tetons/glacier → bring bear spray and a therapist
i did utah + arizona + one random night in vegas because i needed a real shower and lost a bet.
step 2: timing or eternal pain Plan road trip
may/june or sept/oct = shoulder season heaven july/august = satan’s armpit + timed entry lottery hell zion narrows flash floods if it even thinks about raining yosemite half dome cables only up memorial day to columbus day (i learned this after buying permits oops)
step 3: the reservation olympics
recreation.gov is now your full-time job set calendar reminders 6 months + 14 days out at exactly 7am mst i once booked a zion campsite for the wrong YEAR (drove 7 hours to an empty field, 10/10 do not recommend) arches timed entry drops like taylor swift tickets — good luck
step 4: car life survival kit Plan road trip(learned the hard way
- america the beautiful pass ($80) or pay $35 every park like a chump
- two coolers: one for food, one for beer (label them or suffer)
- $120 portable shower from amazon = marriage saver
- baby wipes. so many baby wipes.
- costco rotisserie chicken + bag of tortillas = 4 dinners
- download offline google maps or become one with the desert
my actual route that somehow worked
day 1–3 zion (angels landing + narrows) day 4 bryce sunrise (hoodoos covered in snow, illegal beauty) day 5 capitol reef (still no people, still perfect) day 6–8 moab (arches sunrise + dead horse point + canyonlands) day 9 monument valley at sunset (forrest gump point selfie chaos) day 10–12 grand canyon south rim (sunrise at mather point, cried) day 13 horseshoe bend + lower antelope canyon day 14–16 page → valley of fire → death valley (badwater basin at dusk) day 17–19 joshua tree (night sky photos that broke my phone storage) day 20 vegas for one night because i smelled like death day 21–22 drove home listening to the same playlist on repeat
mistakes i made so you don’t have to Plan road trip
- wore jeans hiking the narrows (chafing level: war crime)
- forgot to check gas in monument valley to page (180 miles of panic sweats)
- tried to “wing it” in yosemite july 4th weekend (laughed out of the park)
- left cooler open overnight in bear country (raccoons threw a party)
- trusted apple maps in rural utah (ended up on a dirt road to nowhere)
rough money damage (one person, 3 weeks)
gas → $750 (cried) camping/hotels → $650 food (costco + gas station sushi) → $380 parks pass + tours → $300 random vegas hotel because hygiene → $180 total ≈ $2,300 and my dignity
this trip didn’t give me content. Plan road trip it gave me a personality disorder and the best photos of my life.
drop your dream route below because i’m already planning the next one and my credit card is shaking.
now someone please come rotate my tires and delete my recreation.gov app before i book yellowstone again. send gas money and a shower.
