The Best 5-Star Resorts with All-Inclusive Packages. currently on day 3 of post-vacation depression and a liquid-only diet
my very expensive 5-Star food & booze experiment
2024-2025 i only stayed at true 5-star all-inclusives (no watered-down drinks, no “premium” upcharge nonsense) total damage: a lot total cocktails consumed: lost count after day 2
| resort | location | nightly (2 ppl) | my drunk rating | notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| grand velas riviera nayarit | mexico | $1400-2500 | 11/10 | 7 gourmet restaurants, tequila vault |
| jade mountain (with all-inc add-on) | st lucia | $2200-3800 | 10/10 | infinity pool in room + unlimited champagne |
| le blanc spa resort cancun | mexico | $900-1600 | 9.5/10 | adults-only, best pillow menu ever |
| secrets wild orchid montego bay | jamaica | $700-1300 | 9/10 | unlimited lobster, swim-up bar goals |
| sandals grande st lucian | st lucia | $1000-1800 | 9/10 | overwater bungalows + red lane spa |
| excellence playa mujeres | mexico | $800-1400 | 9/10 | adults-only, 11 bars, miilé spa is unreal |
ones that almost made the cut
- hyatt zilara rose hall (jamaica) – basically the same as secrets but cheaper
- unico 20°87° riviera maya – artsy vibes, great local mezcal
- hurawalhi maldives – underwater restaurant but
the rules of real all-inclusive luxury
- if they charge extra for lobster or the good tequila → not real
- “24-hour room service” should mean filet mignon at 3am (grand velas delivered)
- adults-only is a feature, not a bug
- always add the romance package because the chocolate-covered strawberries are free then
current 5-Star life status
- liver: questionable
- bank account: crying
- tan: criminal
- desire for another piña colada at 10am: violent
drop the best all-inclusive you’ve been to below because i’m already googling flights and my credit card is shaking
someone send a private butler and an IV drip of coconut water
